bree_zee: (falls)
I'm still here. Living with mom. Fuck. And to top off an already wonderful year (sarcasm drip) I get to sink 3grand plus into the car tomorrow.

I'm trying. I mean REALLY trying hard to look on the positive side of things. I've made it an early resolution because I'm always focused on the negative, even when there's alot of good stuff going on. But I just feel knocked down at every turn. OK. Not knocked completely down. Just brought to one knee.

I'm so broke. So in debt I really don't see a way out besides bankruptcy. Waiting on word of one of the two jobs the recruiters say are mine. Trying not to feel like a total failure. Trying not to kick myself for taking a risk and going into the contract stuff. Despite the fact that if I'd waited another 4 weeks I'd have been eligible for the severance and all the bonuses from work. Would have had decent insurance when my health crashed. Would not have been employed so would not have gotten blacklisted by a company I wanted to work for.

But I wouldn't have had Korea. Or met the BPD team. Or George.

I hate myself with mom. I don't like who I am. The sheer stupidity of most shit that comes out of her mouth just astounds me. And I won't cater to her helplessness. How many times can she ask if I'm making eggs? I make eggs every day after working out. Every fucking day. And she'll ask and stand there staring at me with that stupid fucking look on her face, waiting on me to ask her if she wants some because heaven help her if she was to ask me to make her some. That would make her a burden. But if I offer....that's ok. And seriously...do you need me to ask me everything three times? Is three the magic number? Like I was just kidding the first two times I told you something? Or the fucking conversations that come out of nowhere but her little head? She starts in the middle of a sentence then looks at me waiting for me to answer.

I want to be mean to her and I don't like that. I want to like her. I really do but I don't. And the more I talk to people who she uses for whatever shit she needs, the more I realize that they don't really like her but pity her. She is worse than useless. What am I going to do with her in a few years? She sure as fuck not living with me. Ever. But she won't have enough money for anything because she can't grasp the concept of living on a budget.

I don't like her. I'm not sure I even love her out of some obligation. How can you not like or love your mother? And living here with someone ALL THE TIME is making me nuts. There is no away from her. I need some space or I'm going to implode very soon.

I hear Leo''s voice in my head. We were sitting on the couch at the beach house in Florida, right after EO and Del got married at my house. If you want different results, you have to make better choices. My choices always are wrong. Even when I make a decision and do the opposite, it's wrong.

The rain is pounding down again. The thunder rumbles. Lightning. I just want to walk outside and keep walking.

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bree_zee

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