bree_zee: (falls)
I really should give up on dating. I'm not any good at it. The wrong guys want to date me. I pick the wrong ones when I do date. It's just pointless.

It was a last minute plan, which was nice. I'm spontaneous. I can be spontaneous. Road trip! Yes. Let's go nowhere. See what happens. And it was good. Mostly good - his driving makes me white-knuckled and car sick but ok...focus on the conversation. Talk of big stuff. Disagreeing but it being ok. Dinner was good. We laughed at the young folk wearing bikinis with sheer coverups as night out dress. Ice cream. And we're white knuckling it back when he's suddenly - I have to pull over and sleep for a bit. WTF? I had to talk him into pulling over at a gas station so I could at least get out of the car and not having to watch him sleep.

I mean I sort of get it. He normally works nights but take a nap before you go on your date. I wasn't feeling it before. I'm feeling even less now.

I only attract this sort. I don't know why I would think it would ever be different. I'm the rebound girl. The one they fuck before finding the love of their life. I'm not the love. Never have been. I should just accept it and move on. But that stupid fucking hopeful romantic in me won't die. I need to stab that fucking bitch.
bree_zee: (falls)
It's all finally said and done. We're back to work. Back to full time. Back.

I lost the battle with Yak to keep Andy from getting a shit review. I mean really shit review. A one. He did tell me that had she been hourly she'd have been fired, like 2 other people who were fired for the same thing in the same month. So it's over. We have been dictated to put a certain percentage of people in the "red" which sucketh mucheth. It's just not right. It's especially not right to surprise people with this shit.

Ivan. Still not sure what to think of him. He joined my gym. The only thing keeping me from freaking out about it is that he goes in the morning after he gets off work. So it's unlikely we'll see each other. Unless it's like today...when we met there for our "quality" time today. We went out to dinner Wednesday night and his plan was to meet me at the gym this morning, and then stick around until I went to bed. What? No, I told him. I had to spend some time writing. He said that was alright, that he could take a nap. What? No, I told him. That's when the date would end. He was wounded, I could tell. It got awkward.

It actually started better than I expected. We met at the gym. He did his thing. I did mine. No hovering. We came back to my place and I fixed some breakfast. And he got sick. I was terrified I'd poisoned him but I wasn't sick, so figured it wasn't the food. I told him to go home, not to worry, we'd do it again. No. He wouldn't leave. All I can think is, if you're sick, I don't want it. In the end, we think it was dehydration coupled with his diabetes. He hydrated. Relaxed. Got better.

We went to the store and he cooked lunch. He's actually pretty good. Pulled together what was in my fridge and pantry with us just needing the protein. The conversation was easy. Except...he won't let me finish a story. He interrupted every time I was talking. Kinda pissed me off. Connery did the same thing. What is it with men? Money keeps coming up. He's struggling to pay bills now, vs the "making it" story he gave before. His boarder that was moving out, hasn't.
I kicked him out about 4.

I've tried to analyze my feelings for him and there aren't really anything definitive. I like him. I'm not infatuated. I kinda wanted today to see if the chemistry was there but it didn't happen. Maybe another time. He's eager for it, but not pushing. He touches when we sit together. We sat, lets entwined, while we watched the movie. I don't know.
bree_zee: (falls)
Doodle and i went to the big apple for xmas.it was good all around. Drunk Shakespeare was a riot. They give you liquor walking in. We bought a drink while waiting. Then i got chosen as the test drinker to prove the actors shots were real. I was tipsy thru the second act. And what an act it was. These are talented kids.

An item of note...i came out to doodle. And she came out to me. It was a real bonding experience. I see so much of my struggles before her. The uncertainty about sex and relationships. Career and weight. Fitting in. Depression and angst. And i know i cant tell her anything shell listen to.

Ivan wants another date, suggested we spend the day together. I pull back internally when he says shit like that, as if hes three steps ahead of me in this relationship. Do i want to move slow because thats what i need or just what i think guys want to hear? He talks about living together with his partner. Im not sure i can live with someone again. Not sure i want to, but that could be a self protection. Cant miss what i dont want. Fuck if i know anymore. I think im pretty self aware. Maybe thats another self protection.
bree_zee: (falls)
So much is going on in my head...

I'd say Connery and I are officially over. I'm not really sad. I knew it wouldn't last but after 8+ months you'd think I'd feel something. I think I tried to feel something but it never took hold. Ferguson is Casper at the moment. I know with the kids and end of year he's tied up but still...I had hope for him. Or something like hope. He seemed possible though the young kids did give me pause. I liked that we were going slow. And he had the kinky aspect that added to the interest. Enter the new guy...

Everyone meet Ivan. We are opposite in so many ways...he's a Jersey Jewish widower who still very much loves his wife. Extroverted. Blue collar - took the job for the benefits but seems intent to make it work. Ex military. And we are very similar - religion, politics, family, tiny houses, travel, digging out from debt. He wants a relationship - the forever kind where the death do you part is your out.

So we went out last night - 2nd date. Did twisty painting and I didn't feel like he was there just to placate me. He seemed to enjoy it. We went to dinner before and had some pretty personal conversation. Told him my history. He was intrigued but not closed. He says he likes me. He says he likes me a lot. He starts to move a little fast and I guess I give some signal because he realizes it's too fast for me and reins himself in. He's not feeling me up or anything , but talking about longer term stuff. Meet the kids. I don't know. I like how it sounds but it also makes me nervous. So I wonder if I'll push him away like I did Connery. Even knowing Connery wasn't forever I figured out a way to get rid of him. I'm good at that.
bree_zee: (falls)
Traded in the bug yesterday. After everything this week I was just going to bite the bullet this weekend and go get something. Friday I was going to the bank to get the loan and the bug suddenly decelerated twice on the highway. My "this weekend" plan suddenly became "today."

I bought a 2013 Nissan Rogue. It's not as new as I would want but it only had 25K miles on it, so there is that. And I paid about 1000 more than I originally planned. They low balled me on the trade - 500 bucks. Bite me but they doubled it so I figure that zeroed out the extra 1000 I paid. Only four more years until it's mine. Yay.

Wonder how long it'll take for me to wreck it? Hit a deer? Place your bets...
bree_zee: (falls)
Im tryi g really haed to focus on positives but fuck if my family doesnf convince me im right about shit.

Id been setting up the transport of moms car. Id asked a dozen times if he wanted the car. No, he couldnt afford the notes.and mom needed off the note so she could afford thd drug nurse service. Great. I can take over the note, keep it in moms name so it doesnt hit my credit.

Bro was supposed to meet them Saturday but theg didnt show and then he had to leave because B broke down. Then moms car wouldnt suddenly hold a charge. And the cynic in me knew...and sure enough...hes going to keep the car and to top it off mom will pay the note.

Hes not being mean about it. I dont think its vindictive or malicious. He just needs it and in his mind and moms his needs outweigh mine.

Yak took us out to lunch today and as Im sitting at the table listening to their shared stories i realized im as much an outsider with my family as i am with them.

Sent a goodbye to Connery. Ferguson is quiet. Hellacious busy with kids and work and family. And im not sleeping. Again
bree_zee: (falls)
Im trying really hard to focus on positives but fuck if my family doesnt convince me im right about shit.

Id been setting up the transport of moms car. Id asked a dozen times if he wanted the car. No, he couldnt afford the notes and mom needed off the note so she could afford the drug nurse service. Great. I can take over the note, keep it in moms name so it doesnt hit my credit.

Bro was supposed to meet them Saturday but they didnt show and then he had to leave because B broke down. Then moms car wouldnt suddenly hold a charge. And the cynic in me knew...and sure enough...hes going to keep the car and to top it off mom will pay the note.

Hes not being mean about it. I dont think its vindictive or malicious. He just needs it and in his mind and moms his needs outweigh mine.

Yak took us out to lunch today and as Im sitting at the table listening to their shared stories i realized im as much an outsider with my family as i am with them.

Sent a goodbye to Connery. Ferguson is quiet. Hellacious busy with kids and work and family. And im not sleeping. Again
bree_zee: (falls)
Working out the EB2 has been interesting. He has me doing some of the usual stuff, but also working on balance. Cuz you know...mine sucks. But I also signed up for the holiday don't get fat classes twice a week. I wasn't real sure about it. The first week we only did 30 min workouts. The rest was talking and measuring and crap. The leader had me adjust my diet a bit - I apparently eat too much cheese. So week two we do weigh in - and I lost 4 lbs. I couldn't believe it - it was night, I usually weigh in the morning. So the next morning I weighed at home and I'd lost 7. Holy fuck. I keep in mind that you usually lose an excessive amount the first week so interested to see what the scale says this week.

Not much else going on. Doodle finished up the semester. So very proud of her. Just fills my heart to see her growing up. Work is winding down. I'm off on Fridays and most of the week before shut down. Doodle gets here on the 18th. A little sad I won't be seeing the family or the village for the holiday. It's quiet here. I'm bored. So I work out. Guess it could be worse.

decoupling

Dec. 4th, 2016 03:58 am
bree_zee: (falls)
I think Connery and I are done. Neither of us has said the words but we're not saying anything else e either.

He'd asked me to the movies but by Friday we'd not made any plans. Not unusual. He's allergic to planning but it's one of the things I like about him. So on Friday we'd done our usual flirt routine with innuendo and such and he was coming over. But Friday turned out to be a crap day. I didn't feel well and then he was 2 hours late showing up. It wasn't the first time he'd done that. It's one of the things I don't like about him. I don't mind him being late but at least have the decency to call.

We were talking and I just really wanted to be held and talk a bit. I wanted very much to get naked with him about 2 hours earlier when I expected him but by the time he'd showed up I'd had a few drinks and was really tired and more than a little depressed .... but I still wanted him naked. He kept making the move - you know the one - where he puts his hand down your pants and considers that foreplay and I pushed him off. The second time - because he didn't get the hint the first time - he's like what's up? And I just told him not yet and he kind of huffs and said we'd talked about this. I'm getting mad by this point. WTF? You running late for another date or something? Then he pulls away and gets silent and we just sit next to one another and he mumbles well this is awkward. I said it wasn't until that but go upstairs. And he asks why and I tell him. You want to fuck. Let's fuck.

It just goes down hill from there.

He left, saying he didn't like be accused of being a user. I told him I didn't like being used. And that was the last we said to one another. So now I'm up at 3am. I didn't go work out or go to the writer's party today. I bought the gifts for the christmas angels I'm sponsoring.


I don't know why I'm upset, though I'm not really upset. Just feeling...unfinished.

Mortality

Nov. 28th, 2016 09:32 pm
bree_zee: (falls)
The need to write here is obsessive lately. I feel like my time is short. I can rationalize the fear. Daddy. Tiger. The birthday. There's no denying i have less in front than i have behind but lately the health crap is pushing my OCD buttons like an impatient man pushes the elevator call button. Im really trying not to be hypochondriacal. But im not winning the fight.

rambles

Nov. 25th, 2016 07:34 pm
bree_zee: (falls)
Had to cancel my trip to see doodlebug. The car broke down Tues on the way home. Not sure what happened. I'd filled up the tank and was merging into traffic and hit the accelerator really hard. The car backfired and wobbled a bit. Then all of a sudden the car behind me is flashing his lights and backing off. All I can think of that would make someone do that is flames coming out of the car but it was wobbling more so I figured I had blown a tire. I started to pull over and the car died then wouldn't start. AAA came and voila, of course, the fucking car started.

It's run fine since then but I'd been planning to buy a new car today. I didn't want to ask mom again. Frankly, I knew when she said no I was going to lose it. And none of those assholes even bothered to call or text Thursday. But I called her today and she said, at least temporarily, she won't be driving. So I'll get the car shipped up to me asap. It's about the same price as flying down and driving back and I don't have to waste 4 days of my life.

I've been holed up in the house mostly since then. Went to a couple of movies. Turns out Connery went to DC. No idea why. I can't get past my trust issues with him. I don't have it with Ferguson. So why can't I let him go? Because it's better to uncertain than alone.
bree_zee: (falls)
Interesting weekend. I was flirting with Connery while headed to my date with Ferguson. That's just...slutty. Where Connery melts my butter, Ferguson makes me want to, I don't know, make dinner. Which is what we did after our train ride out in the valley. Some dumb little trip through the mountains, along a river. Nothing fancy. Nothing exciting. We talked. He put his arm around me. I leaned into him. It felt good to be touched, to be touching someone. He came back to the house afterward and we made dinner, talked. Kissed a little. He and I converse. Connery just tells me stories.

Started with the new trainer last weekend. He's nice. Seems young but he's probably a bit older than EB. He's evaluating me. I feel like he's taking it a bit slow but ok. We worked on balance yesterday. Mine sucks, btw. We had Mexico at work all week - 12 hour days. We're heading into the insanity of Thanksgiving to Christmas where everyone wants to finish everything but no one will be at work. I've got enough vacation days left to take a series of 4 day weeks between now and the end of the year.

I drive down Wednesday to be with doodle. She's working but hopefully it'll be relaxing. I went ahead and got a hotel room though I didn't want the expense. Knowing the cat and her housekeeping, not to mention sleeping on the air mattress or the top bunk...I might as well have a bed and a clean bathroom.

Had the first snow of the season today.
bree_zee: (falls)
I almost came out to bro tonight. I thought about it all day. The shit with Drump. The nationwide panic over what he'll do. I want to. I don't think it'll make a difference but I want to be there for my niece who came out this year. They didn't reject her. They just don't get it. And hell... if she's brave enough I should be as well.

But when I started the sentence I couldn't finish. I actually choked. After Heff came out to me at work it was on the tip of my tongue to reciprocate. But I didn't. I almost wish I was gay. It would be easier to explain. But I can't even be alternative and make sense.

Too much is changing right now. And it's all out of my control and that is fucking with me. We moved into the new offices and it just pisses me off. I am being passive aggressive about it and eventually Yak will say something and I will say something and then there it is. Something said.

I'm imploding my life over a fucking office. I sucked at building a business around the editing. I just suck.

And EB left me. I get comfortable with something and it changes. I'm off kilter. I don't like being off kilter.
bree_zee: (falls)
He fucking won. I think I'm still in shock because never, in a million years, would I have thought it possible. Even at the end when Hillary was losing ground. Where I was tired of the campaigning before, now I'm tired of the whining and gloating. Petra and doodlebug are two of the worst.

In other news, I think Connery is officially not married. We've gone out to dinner twice in the last two weeks, once without even having sex. Then Tuesday night, only only did we go to dinner, he started talking about wanting lobster and how "we" needed to take a trip to Maine. I even questioned him about it. And we went back to his place. He hemmed and hawed about it - it's not a nice place, it's not big, it's messy, he doesn't want me to judge his financial situation on his place. Told him I needed to see it so I could scope out the other woman. But no way a woman would live there. Oh the place itself isn't bad. But he's a guy. You can imagine.

He's just not into the foreplay. Not sure he knows what it is. And afterwards I was in the bathroom and heard him say dating is complicated. As I drove home he texted is this where you run. I asked if I want complicating things, though don't know how I would be. Had to explain it. Asked if the talk of a trip freaked him out. Or me going to his place. And he said no so I said then someone else he is dating must be complicated. He said don't do that. I don't know. Maybe he's the girl in the relationship. He did order a pina colada at dinner the other night.
bree_zee: (falls)
I came to Salem for some witch's brew. I didn't really want to after Connery said no, but I usually don't want to do something then am glad I did it. On the drive here I realized how much I hate disruptions to my routine. And I realized how often my routine is disrupted. Puts some kinks in the chains of my craziness.

EB is leaving. I can't say I'm surprised. He's good at what he does. And he cares. So naturally he found something better. That leaves me sort of up in the air for a trainer as he didn't know if anyone had time to take me on, much less after work when I prefer to train. I don't push myself hard enough when i'm on my own. I need the accountability.

I discovered last night while driving back to the hotel in the rain my night vision sucks. I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to drive at night. Makes me nervous. If there's no oncoming traffic I'm ok, but with the headlights I'm struggling. Then again, they have no markings on the road to delineate the lanes so it's not all my fault.

Walked the streets today trying to see life in 1690s. I'd like to think I'd have protested but I wouldn't have. I'd like to think I'd been one of the ones accused, but I wouldn't have. I would have been one of the quiet ones. The hidden ones. No one ever notices. Sitting on the boat today I watched the people. The couples. The groups. I miss my village.

not me

Oct. 20th, 2016 08:14 pm
bree_zee: (falls)
A couple weeks ago doodle's housemate/workmate/sort of friend was in a horrific accident. The car is unrecognizable. She was hit head on by a dump truck going round another car turning right. Apparently he didn't want to slow down. Or maybe he couldn't. I don't know.

She survived somehow. Induced coma. Brain swelling. Punctured and broken. Until today when she died.

I wish I could say my thoughts are for her parents. And they are. But mostly I can't stop being grateful it's not me in their shoes. Doodle drives those same roads daily. Doodle works with this girl. Doodle lives with this girl.

This could too easily be her. They could be me. It hits too close to home.

loneliness

Oct. 20th, 2016 12:32 am
bree_zee: (falls)
I started thinking about asking Connery to my haunted trip a couple weeks ago. I'd already planned it. When I saw him last week I was going to ask then the whole fuck buddy thing came up. Then yesterday I just blurted it out. He didn't say no immediately but I figured he would. I was shitting bricks for a bit then just went with it. I figured out all the reasons why I didn't want him to go. The only reason I asked was I was lonely. I wanted to be with someone. So I asked. And he said no.

He wanted to know why I don't let him in. Why I didn't ask him to help out for my surgery. I told him I did. He was going to DC. I tried to let him in again. A part of me knows that it's not a condemnation of me. It's just life. Life is busy. I'm busy. But he's not asked me to go anywhere. He's not asked me to be part of his world. So why should I keep asking him to be part of mine?

I guess I'm not cutting him loose, even with the thinnest of threads with which we're connected, because he's all I got. Even Ferguson hasn't contacted me this week. Last week he had his kids. This week he didn't. No contact. Next week...guess what...kids again.

I quit OKC. I know I can't find what I'm not searching for but I'm not finding while searching either. And it just hurts too much. Makes me feel too pathetic. I can feel pathetic all on my own. I don't need others to help with it.
bree_zee: (falls)
Two months. It's been 2 months since I saw him. We've talked almost every day but the stars have not aligned so that we could see each other. He's on vacation this week and first thing he asked was when could he see me.

He came tonight and curled around me. He holds me like I'm important. Like he can't get close enough. We snuggled on the couch. Talked. Kissed. OF course had sex. Then he got up and got dressed and we came back downstairs and he prepped to leave.

I was crushed. Nothing more than a quick fuck. And he's yammering away then turns to me and asked me what was wrong. What was going on in my head? I wouldn't tell him at first but he prodded. Said not to worry if it was bad or about him. So I did. Told him I didn't want a fuck buddy. He asked what I did want. I told him. I want a date. I want to go out and to be introduced to people that are important to him or at least, meet new people with him. I want a circle of friends. But if that wasn't what he wanted to tell me. That I could deal with that, but not being a diversion.

He said he wanted that too. He said more of the right things and my skepticism tells me he's just saying what I want to hear. I'm not exactly hard to read, apparently. I don't know. He says I don't trust. I don't let people in. I don't know how anymore. It feels like weakness. That makes me uncomfortable.

I want to let him in. I'm trying. I don't know how to do it.
bree_zee: (falls)
I remember those days in jr high as vividly as i remember yesterday. The physical health assessment in PE. The only thing i dreaded more than PE was lunch but on these days i wanted a deeper hole than usual. We were a coed class. A handful of girls in a class of 25. I could do most of the stuff to some degree. Except for the chin up bar. The boys had to do actual chin ups. Girls just had to hang. The coach would assist us up, but i dont remember him helping me. I just remember touching the bar and dropping. Not a single second. I wanted to disappear because of course we did it in front of everyone. One by one. Humiliation center stage.

But today i did it.

EB gaves me something called hanging knees. You hang from the bar and lift your knees. I laughed at him when he showed me. This was even more insane than the jumping shit. But i said ok. Ill try. And i fucking did it. In fact i did 30 of them. Fuch yeah.

Im going to hold on to this because i pay too much attention to the stuff i cant do. There will always be shit i cant do. Sometimes ill do it later. Sometimes not. But today i did.

un-noise

Oct. 2nd, 2016 12:45 am
bree_zee: (falls)
The silence is very loud tonight. I usually have the tv going, or even the computer going and the tv in the background. I like the silence most of the time. Not so much tonight.
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