May. 13th, 2017

going back

May. 13th, 2017 02:26 pm
bree_zee: (Default)
It's been more of a roller coaster than usual. I don't know if it's because I'm older, the problems feel bigger, the solutions seem less likely and frankly, none of it feels worth this empty, lonely pain I do little more than endure on a regular basis.

I feel like I've had a good week. After the meltdown at work with Yak and the "I won't live like this anymore" shit it all sort of came off my shoulders and I made preparations for whatever came next. Fired. Change in jobs. I was resigned to it, ready for it. Of course, nothing has happened.

Though asshole did stop by to congratulate me and the lead on a "job well done" after we'd pointed out, for the 3rd time in my tenure, that this other department was totally fucked and not managing their responsibilities. So glad it finally was clear.

But I'm trying harder than usual to look on the bright side, find the silver lining, see my own green grass, drink from the half full cup. I'm actually making money on the freelance stuff. I won't say it's regular money but it's steady right now, as is the work through the summer. I'm focused on this success. The plan is in play. It's working for now. Keep moving forward. And I'm writing. Keep moving forward.

Hired a marketing thing to help build up my client base for the fiction. A little confused about how it works but I need to put some time in to figure it out.

I'm thinking of moving back to La. Had a conversation with doodle and she's sounding alone. I know I've done that because I haven't made roots for her. I tell her I'm her roots and she'll always have a place but I'll be gone eventually ... then what? I tell her she has to be the one to reach out and make the connection but I didn't do it either. Now my connections are frayed, non-existent, long distance at best. I thought, as a kid, I'd have a husband or a relationship of some kind. I'd have a village around me.

I also thought of moving in will Leo, not that I mentioned that but I wonder if that option would be open. Not sure how he'd feel about a roomie, but hey...it's an option right?

The GOP Reich is going to make it fucking impossible for me not to have a full time job. I'll never be able to afford insurance on my own. I can't get the records I need for my current surgery. Most of my meds are pain management - I can live without those. I just need the vitamin and the blood pressure. They'll cost per month what I used to pay for premiums. I never thought I'd hope for the assassination of a president but maybe if they take out Drumpf and what's his name useless VP the GOP would take a hint. I doubt it. Even if they impeach the bastard we're stuck with the VP and he's almost as scary as Drumpf.

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