May. 1st, 2017

purge

May. 1st, 2017 09:59 pm
bree_zee: (Default)
last week was a bitch. the french assholes were in town for a reg inspection. geez fucking christ these guys were drunk on their power. i've dealt with lots of reg inspectors but these were, by far, the biggest fucking assholes i've ever seen. and sitting on my chest the entire week was my anxiety over presenting my program.

i know this shit. i'm not perfect. never pretend to be, but i know my stuff. except when Angry Dick is around. the guy needs a blowjob or a lay or just someone to bend him over the couch and bugger him. IDK. But with AD, I can do no right. I don't know enough about the site or my program. What I do know I didn't learn fast enough. He makes me forget my own name when he's looming over me at the table. so i get stuck on a word - sterility. but in my head is stability. and i can't get past it. and i hear my brain screeching to a halt and i know i'm fucked. no matter what..i'm fucked. so AD blurts out the answer. but hey...he says it wrong too. and then the french dick starts fishing and i'm hedging because i know where he's going and then AD is like...give it to me...and he checks off some shit and gives it back and sure enough, the french dick wants the report.

it's not something we give to externals. it's a fucking corporate policy that we don't give it to externals. but AD caves and now i have to figure out how to show the external this shit. i told the back room i was not, under any circumstance, making the decision. no matter what i would do it would be wrong.

but wait...for only 99 cents more you can have two..count them two...major fucking issues at the same time. the summary report, a pain in my ass that can't get through approval without someone changing something or adding someone or changing who they want to add. i didn't even write the report i'm just passing it through the system. i can't get the author's table to jive with what i pull but she's done it for years so she has to know more than me right? after all...AD has shown time and time again how much i don't know. but her shit has been wrong more times than i can count until AD is pissed. i can't throw her under the bus. they love her. if i throw her under, i'm the idiot who can't do her job and needs someone else. if i don't throw her under, i'm the idiot who can't do her job and needs someone else.

but it gets through and i get through and after 60 hours we all get to go home. but the weight is just sitting on my chest waiting to hear how much i fucked up. i'd rather drive into a fucking tree than have to go to work on monday and find out how badly i fucked up. so i decide...i can't do it anymore.

i can't keep holding this weight in my gut and on my chest waiting for AD to tell me how i've fucked up. how i don't know enough. i just can't. so i decide i won't. i've got a year's rent in the bank if i forgo the surgery. i can probably get a contract job in a month or so. the freelance stuff is bringing in a few hundred a month. hell, i'd move back to La or even thought i could ask Leo if I could move in with him for a bit while do the contract stuff to pan out. i just can't do this anymore.

sat morn i meet EB2 and my brain is drained and my motivation is zilch but i push through it. and i'm almost crying from the want to quit and walk out but i don't. somewhere along the workout i turn it off. because i'm going in on monday to start the search for a new job. it'll be a huge pay cut. i'm talk a 65% pay cut most likely. but i'll do it. because i can't keep doing this.

i want to be happy or content or satisfied or something. i want to feel something that's positive. because there's reason to feel that way. i have a good life. not perfect. i have a daughter that brings tears to my eyes she's so great. and i have lucy and KT and Z. i have family that loves me, probably...even though they aren't real demonstrative with it. SIL's family loves me in their own way. i'm healthier than ever. except for the pain i'm doing ok health wise. so why do i feel like i'm at the bottom?

so today i talked to yak and told him i couldn't do another weekend like this. i couldn't carry that weight waiting on AD to fire me or sink me to a one and then fire me. and he's actually more supportive than i thought he would be. he's like, my job is to help you be successful and i'm not doing that if you feel this way. so he almost gives me hope, but i'm smarter than that. i'm sure he'll talk to AD and then it'll be what i did wrong again.

i did go to a networking event at work and had lots of fun. apparently i'm witty and shit when i have no hope. so this is me purging the negative. tomorrow i will be positive if i have to joker myself into a smile.

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bree_zee

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