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I'm so tired of being angry and hurt and scared and all that other shit over this review crap. I had the chance to talk to Yak today about it more, wanting to know what he meant by "you don't know your program." Guess what? It's because I point my finger at the procedure during the explanation to auditors. I told him that's how we're coached to do it! I got in trouble the first time when I didn't do it. Then I get in trouble when I do it how they want. That is, I told him, the definition of fucked. He laughed, like it was funny and I wanted to snatch his greasy hair off his head.

I went and got the number for the counseling lady. Or the number to call someone who has the number for the counseling lady. I'm just so....lost. I don't know who I'm supposed to be anymore. I don't know what I want.

I realized last night I like starting over with a new move because there's the chance I'll figure some of it out. It'll plop in my brain or in my lap and I'll go, yep, that's what I want.

So do I give up all of this - which is basically a great salary and decent benefits - for a chance at being happier? Fuck. I don't know if I've ever been happy. How fucking sad is that.
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So I had my chance on Friday to possibly escape work through great bodily injury but my self-preservation skills kicked in. Some asshat (from Jersey of course) merged from the non-existent merge lanes this fucking state creates and nearly side swiped me. If I hadn't slammed on the brakes, we'd have merged the full passenger side of my car with his driver's side. Fucktard then waved at me like yeah, have a nice day. Douche.

And like a moron I'd made a date for Friday night but I guess his wife wouldn't let him go because he postponed until today at the last minute. Then last minute today he suddenly remembered his brother's birthday luncheon. Why do I try?

I think my plan is to leave. I don't know what I'm doing when I go and that feels too irresponsible but damn if I can muster enough give-a-shit. I'm picturing a year long journey around the country. I think I could do it on $25 a day if I work occasionally. I wonder how much gas would cost?
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Boy...I'm just killing it over here.

Guess I finally got the answer to why no one wants to publish my RS. I don't know what to do with the info. I win contests, with the ms they hated, no less. One told me it didn't fit the box which is why she wouldn't know what to do with it. Great. Thought it was about breaking the rules. Guess not.

I'm trying not to get depressed (too late) with everything else going on. Maybe I'll go work for Uber. Start a snowball stand.

I really want to drink myself stupid but I've got to go hear about ghosthunting. With people who are content to ignore me. And all I seem to want to do lately is cry in public. Not when I'm alone, which is all the time. But in public. Like a fucking idiot. Got that covered.
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So last week was pretty shitty. I got a torpedo of a mid year review, in which apparently I'm doing nothing right, and not doing it fast enough or well enough. The weekly meetings I have with Yak, where I always ask, is there anything you want or need from me that you're not getting and get a no, I'm supposed to read his mind on what he wants to know. And delegation is the wrong thing to do. I'm supposed to do it all rather than have my junior team members do it. And I'm not doing it well enough, though I'm doing the same thing the other people who did this crappy job before me though I've driven up compliance by 5%. Miniscule, I know but when you start at 90 and get to 95 I think that's pretty fucking fantastic. And I'm still hearing about the same old mistakes done last year. And speaking to HR in confidence? Bogus!! The little fuck gave me up like a slut's virginity.

I've done absolutely nothing right. So I've spent the last 7 days obsessing over this. Not sleeping. Feeling like hammered shit. I've thought of every angle I can use to address this but there's nothing that won't be seen as an excuse. I've considered calling off the surgery. I don't want to be cash poor when they fire me. But it really won't matter. I can't afford my life. There's always bankruptcy. The other option is pulling the money from the IRA but I only get about half of what I pull if I do that. I can't survive here another 36 months. The stress is eating me alive.

I keep repeating my mantra. I can go back to mom's house. I can live with Bill. Try and get the freelancing up and running faster. But I lose half my income that way - 30% to Uncle Sam on top of the 20% to the website.
What can I do for 8.5 years until I'm eligible to pull from the 401K that won't have me contemplating driving into a tree? I have no fucking clue.
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Solar eclipse.
Trip to Jersey.
Planned a trip to Connecticut. (however you spell it)
Satisfied editing customer.
Hired somebody.

And it's only Wednesday.

rejection

Aug. 5th, 2017 12:25 am
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I got the rejection from the agent. I always expect it. It always hurts.
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I need to do something to get out of my work out rut. I've been battling one boo boo or another the last few weeks. My knee is just starting to bend again. My shoulders acted up after Tuesday's work out and I went back on the pain pills. Trying to forgo that tonight. We'll see. Tonight is just achy so far.

I need to push myself again. I always pushed or was pushed by EB and EB2. The 3 I have now or more like Moderately Nasty Bastards vs Evil bastards. I also feel like I'm waiting for the surgery to come through. I'll have to take off time for that so I'm getting lazier in preparation for the down time.

I did do something at work. I've been going to the Pride Connect group. The leader has become a friend and asked if I'd co-chair. I didn't put much thought into before I said yes and now my name is on the internal website with the group. And HR asked me to go to the Out and Equal recruiting event in Philly as a rep for the company. I was worried about Yak so asked another member of the group who is also gay. I came out to her and was worried but she said not to be. So I guess I'm out at work.

Me and the rainbow. Just need to find the pot of gold.
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I'm getting back on my work out routine. There was no one at the work gym so I got on the treadmill and did my quarter mile jog. 3:30. Yay me. Damn my knees... once Kit and I started working out someone I know came in to work out. He's a nice guy. I've not seen anything that would make me think otherwise. But as I'm finishing up he comes over to give me a high five and a congrats and all I can see is sarcasm and a patronizing smirk.

I know with most of my brain that he didn't mean it that way. Jose does the same with me. I know they are trying to be supportive and I want to appreciate it. I really really really do. So why can't I just take it for what it seems to be given in: the spirit of camaraderie.

It was the same with Connery. I don't know if he was cheating on me but I suspected. It made sense.

I want to ignore it but it's such an all powerful force in my head. I keep telling myself it doesn't matter if that is what they are thinking. That's THEIR problem; not mine. But the thoughts won't go away. I'm doing this for me. No one else.

Right, MK?

So remember that.

Pil-hades

Jul. 10th, 2017 10:36 pm
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Ow. Ow. Ow. Did I say ow? Fuck I hurt. Yesterday's class focused on core and my core is feeling cored.

It was a busy day. Met with what's left of my team and we planned out the remainder of the year. I'm not too worried. I'll do a handful of audits but they'll pull most of the weight. I've got a ton of other things to do so that's ok. Put in 3 hours after the day for CP.

I'm trying to shake the melancholy but I'm stuck on thoughts I shouldn't be having. Thoughts that get me nowhere. It's always at night. As i try and wind down. It's just so quiet and I sit in the dark or in front of the tv and know I'll be doing this for a while. I realized that 27 years ago I was Meem's daughter. 27 yrs from now, I'll be my mom. Fuck if that's not depressing. That's of course if I live that long.

I try not to get too hypochondriachal. I keep counting the prescriptions. The number keeps going up. I keep pretending it's different. It's for pain and vitamin deficiency but it doesn't help. I just see the number of bottles.

I'm obsessing. So I think of tiny houses and campers. Finishing this book. And that book.

Talked to doodle tonight. I miss her so much. Listening to her talk of what's next fills me up. I kind of hope she goes down toward hometown because then I would have an excuse for moving back there.

whirlwind

Jul. 9th, 2017 04:31 pm
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It has been a hellacious 3 weeks since leaving for hometown.

The big wig internal corporate auditors were a pain in the ass. They seriously focused on the fact that we call ourselves internal audits vs self inspections. It's in the policy that we have a program designated as self inspection but there's no requirement that we call ourselves self inspections. Frankly, and everyone agrees, it sounds like a group that does self breast exams or practices masturbation. None of us want to be self inspections.

The trip to France was ok. I never did get adjusted for the time difference but I did get to see an old friend from college. It had been 30 years...still can't believe that shit. Met her daughter and got to walk around old town Lyon. Whoa...so beautiful. I even took the bus and metro to get to her, though the anxiety it caused just about sent me back to the hotel to grab a cab. It felt like the anxiety for this trip was magnified. It feels like it keeps getting worse. So I guess it's time to figure out what to do about it. I hate it. I don't want to. But I can't keep doing this.

I'm behind on the freelance stuff and have tried to focus on that during the airport/airplane time and today. But I'm exhausted. Did go work out this morning and then a nap...worked some, cooked for the week, a little down time then back to it.

A bit of sadness...Uncle P passed away. He was 101 and died peacefully, so I guess that's all you can ask for. I have so many memories with him and Aunt Shirley and now they're both gone. Feels like the family is slipping away.

I'm looking forward to a calm month. I head to NC in Aug to help doodle move back into the dorm. Until then, I'm working out, writing and chilling.
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I went to work out this morning. Haven't done much the last 2 weeks. I hurt everywhere. Right now it feels like it would be so easy to quit. I'm not losing weight. I am getting in shape. I can run on the treadmill without falling off. I still can't stretch and touch my toes while sitting. I can do a hanging leg lift. I can do an assisted chin up. I still feel like everyone is judging me when I go.

I keep thinking of finding a therapist but there is no one close. I guess I have gone to BEA for worse reasons. I just don't know what a therapist is going to tell me that I don't know already. If I thought there was something to learn to work out, fine. But I know the problem. I might even know the solution. Why do I need to pay them for the answers I already have?

Talked to Leo a few times today. He seems more resigned to things as Petra was there to pack up. Only she won't finish it. She keeps stringing him along. He seems ok with that. I hear she even asked if he would get together with me now that she was out of the way.

I asked Lucy why she and I weren't with these really awesome guys because we had it all together. Why do the guys always go for the fucked up women? You'd think they'd get sick of it and want someone who sort of had it all together. I guess they do. They just want it in a 22 yo package with a firm ass and big tits. I reactivated one of my profiles for about an hour tonight. Had someone message me almost instantly but I was already debating the honesty of his dead wife and child and his desire to hear my sweet voice. I don't think I'll ever meet anyone that I'm not expecting their dishonesty to be brought to light.

And I am so sick of Trump. I can't even enjoy reading shit online anymore because he's like a bad case of lice or crabs or projectile vomit and diarreah. Fucking everywhere.

nostalgia

Jun. 29th, 2017 09:31 pm
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I was thinking about the first time I saw AJ so many decades ago. It was like the story book- my heart stopped, my breath caught, I was aware of every single molecule of his body. The messy swoops of his hair and day old scruff. The quirky smile. Maybe it was just the cape. Every girl should fall in love with a man in a cape at least once in her life.

And I remember the last time I saw Del. I mostly remember his mouth. How I wanted to kiss it even as I broke up with him. How I wanted to hear him say the words that he was choosing me. And I remember the quirky way he smiled when he got naughty and dirty minded. How his little spider monkey body would crawl over me.

Listening to Leo's heart break is tougher than I thought. I know I'm over him. Have been for a while but I know the pain he's feeling all too well.

I went out to dinner the other night by myself and for the first time in a while didn't like being by myself. I watched the people around me. I miss being a part of others.

Tonight as I was burning my spaghetti sauce and killing the fucking ants still in my kitchen I realized that tomorrow when the bug man comes he will have been the first outsider inside my house since the last time he was there. That's pretty fucking pathetic.

spihlkees

Jun. 25th, 2017 09:35 pm
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I'm so restless. The last 2 weeks have been unbelievably busy. The trip home was not awful. We saw little of mom and I enjoyed the time with the bro and SIL and nieces. We had snowballs and fried chicken and just easy quiet. When I wasn't cleaning the rat poop. The house is disgusting. We talked of renting it but news is the rental market is not hot right now. I seriously think of how easy it would be to move down there, if mom wouldn't expect me to become her personal servant and chauffeur.

I've not stayed busy enough with the freelancing this weekend though I have the work. The two main projects are a little more daunting than I initially figured. One is starting to move. The other is not. Smaller projects are coming to a close. My smallest project - and thus the one I'm making the least on - is taking the most time. The fucking client keeps adding shit on and I've finally told him I consider this the final draft. I gave him a realistic bid on his next project and he hasn't said yes yet. I guess he's not willing to pay for the service he's gotten for cheap. I made the concession, so I'm living up to it but it's getting old.
I've got two other books to edit, the real estate book that is stalled since the client isn't responding, the redo on the website, the German GAMP5 stuff and the ghostwriting. All in all, it's great. I put in ten or so hours this weekend. Not as much as I should have but still...

And I worked out yesterday so I'm really sore since the week was tied to my desk and the floor. And Taylor gave notice. I knew she would. Even if they hadn't fucked her over with the rating she'd finished her degree so I was just biding my time. But that leaves me two down now, so I'll be working as an auditor. I'm not excited about it but ok. Given it took them 18 mos to fill my job I'm not hopeful. I may just see about getting a loaner auditor from CAN. We're way ahead on the schedule.

But the restlessness...I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. My head is pounding. My shoulders are killing me and that's not from working out. My legs are killing me from working out. I swam today - hoping to work out some of the kinks.

Ivan is still texting me and I think about how nice it would be to want to be with him. To want to be with anyone. The loneliness is oppressive right now and I know that will pass.
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It was a decent weekend overall. I worked out. Didn't have to work too much on the freelance stuff. I have 6 active clients right now and have earned $2500 since March. MARCH!! I was hoping to average $500/month this year. My 2 biggest clients haven't even started billing hours yet so it's hopeful.

I made apple walnut Amish bread and pineapple mango salsa and chickpea salad and falafel. I sat on the deck and did laundry and vacuumed and did some writing and helped a woman get her resume in at work and watched people stop their lives, albeit briefly, to let a turtle cross the road. I watched some feel good movies and took naps.

I'm sleeping rather well. Not a lot but I wake up rested after 6 hours, put in an 18 day and do it all again. I get in my steps. I 'm working out 4 days a week and sweating my ass off at each work out. But my weight is up. I jogged on the treadmill at the gym and it didn't break. I guess that's always been my fear. I don't like the jiggle in my ass when I'm running but that too could soon be lessened.

Saw another surgeon. 700 stitches. Holy cow. I guess I knew the surgery would be intensive given what they are doing but damn...that just seems so extreme. He's not sure he'll do both the tummy and the thighs but we'll see. It's going to hurt. It's going to hurt bad. I hate being a patient. I'm a shitty patient. I hate having to rely on people. But it's short term, right? It's not forever. Keep chanting that to myself.

I leave for home on Friday. First time since the whole fiasco with mom last August/September. Then 2 weeks of auditors at work when I return. Then maybe France if it's approved. Then hopefully surgery and doodle begins her last semester.

It moves so fast.

routine

Jun. 4th, 2017 08:12 pm
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Life is pretty routine these days. Retreat was great. It was different than many retreats, everyone pretty much isolated themselves in their rooms. I moved around a bit but then the computer started acting up and I had to stay still to keep it functioning. I was prepared to find a Best Buy in the middle of nowhere to get a new one but luckily got to wait until I returned home.

Work is nothing different. The freelance stuff is going well. Book 2 is finally moving, still slowly, but moving. I took it a little easier this weekend. Kept the extra work to under 10 hours. Got a massage. Worked out Sat and Sun. Saw Ivan. Oy...Ivan. He came to pick up some computer stuff I gave the boys. He thought he'd stay 4 or 5 hours...before dark because the lights on the useless van he bought don't work. LOL. I told him no, I had things to do that he said he'd come by to pick up the stuff. We didn't make any plans. He of course started telling me immediately of his dates. Then it was the crap he'd bought but couldn't afford. Sigh.
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I've looked at happiness as a destination for a while. Thinking I needed to DO something in order to get there. Move to a certain city or a new city or a different part of the current city. Change apartments or buy a house or get a bigger house then get a smaller house. New job, better job, promotion, raise, consult, full time, part time. Get a man. Get a woman. Get a man and a woman. Be the woman for a man or a woman or some combination of body parts.

I'm trying to remind myself more lately that happiness is not a destination. It's one of many stops along the way. Other stops include contentment, depression, satisfaction, elation, anger, numbness...Sometimes I hit multiple stops in a day. Sometimes I sit stuck at one station too long.

Today I'm at happiness mixed with satisfaction. I want to write about it because I forget that I stop here, and all I seem to remember are the stops at loneliness and sadness and depression. But it's been a good weekend on the writer's retreat, even with the blue screen of death hanging over my shoulder while the new computer sits hopefully inside my neighbor's apartment and not on my front step. In the pouring rain. Oh well...they have insurance.

I miss my baby girl. I miss Lucy. I miss Leo. I miss the kidlets and the village and family dinners. But I'm ok. I will never be homeless (or at least not homeless alone) and I won't be hungry (though green jello isn't much of a tummy filler).
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I had perhaps the most open conversation tonight I've ever had with my brother. I'm actually proud of the bastard. Dad would be so proud of him as well. Bro's a good man, a good father. I always knew that but it was more the benefit of the doubt kind of belief. Tonight...I know it.

His oldest is struggling with her identity. She came out as gay. Now she is somewhat living as a male at school. Her friends, even her teachers acknowledge her by her male name. And it's a decidedly male name, not some gender-neutral name. But she is not living that life fully away from school. She's found a counselor and has been diagnosed as bipolar also.

Bro worries she's doing it as part of some acceptance phase for her peer group. I don't know that I believe anyone would go to this length to find acceptance for what society, for the most part, finds unacceptable. It would be much easier to be a lesbian, than it would to be transgendered or non-gendered. So I think she's struggling with her awareness of her sexuality and where it fits into the spectrum.

She's never been one to skirt the obvious lines of gender norms. She was decidedly feminine in her approach to the usual kid stuff - toys, clothes, roles, etc. She never expressed a desire or showed outward signs of being a male. I also know that what we feel and what we tell/show others aren't always congruous.

I came out to him and he calmly accepted it. Told me he'd known for a while I didn't conform. Knew that my relationship with Leo and EO and Del wasn't the usual. Guess I wasn't hiding it as well as I thought. But I also told him that I left home because I couldn't deal with how the truth would be accepted. He worries she'll run away. I told him to point my direction if she needed a place to run. I left because I couldn't stand the thought of dad not loving me, even though looking back that never would have happened. I wish we had the benefit of hindsight when we needed it, and not only in hindsight.

going back

May. 13th, 2017 02:26 pm
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It's been more of a roller coaster than usual. I don't know if it's because I'm older, the problems feel bigger, the solutions seem less likely and frankly, none of it feels worth this empty, lonely pain I do little more than endure on a regular basis.

I feel like I've had a good week. After the meltdown at work with Yak and the "I won't live like this anymore" shit it all sort of came off my shoulders and I made preparations for whatever came next. Fired. Change in jobs. I was resigned to it, ready for it. Of course, nothing has happened.

Though asshole did stop by to congratulate me and the lead on a "job well done" after we'd pointed out, for the 3rd time in my tenure, that this other department was totally fucked and not managing their responsibilities. So glad it finally was clear.

But I'm trying harder than usual to look on the bright side, find the silver lining, see my own green grass, drink from the half full cup. I'm actually making money on the freelance stuff. I won't say it's regular money but it's steady right now, as is the work through the summer. I'm focused on this success. The plan is in play. It's working for now. Keep moving forward. And I'm writing. Keep moving forward.

Hired a marketing thing to help build up my client base for the fiction. A little confused about how it works but I need to put some time in to figure it out.

I'm thinking of moving back to La. Had a conversation with doodle and she's sounding alone. I know I've done that because I haven't made roots for her. I tell her I'm her roots and she'll always have a place but I'll be gone eventually ... then what? I tell her she has to be the one to reach out and make the connection but I didn't do it either. Now my connections are frayed, non-existent, long distance at best. I thought, as a kid, I'd have a husband or a relationship of some kind. I'd have a village around me.

I also thought of moving in will Leo, not that I mentioned that but I wonder if that option would be open. Not sure how he'd feel about a roomie, but hey...it's an option right?

The GOP Reich is going to make it fucking impossible for me not to have a full time job. I'll never be able to afford insurance on my own. I can't get the records I need for my current surgery. Most of my meds are pain management - I can live without those. I just need the vitamin and the blood pressure. They'll cost per month what I used to pay for premiums. I never thought I'd hope for the assassination of a president but maybe if they take out Drumpf and what's his name useless VP the GOP would take a hint. I doubt it. Even if they impeach the bastard we're stuck with the VP and he's almost as scary as Drumpf.

purge

May. 1st, 2017 09:59 pm
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last week was a bitch. the french assholes were in town for a reg inspection. geez fucking christ these guys were drunk on their power. i've dealt with lots of reg inspectors but these were, by far, the biggest fucking assholes i've ever seen. and sitting on my chest the entire week was my anxiety over presenting my program.

i know this shit. i'm not perfect. never pretend to be, but i know my stuff. except when Angry Dick is around. the guy needs a blowjob or a lay or just someone to bend him over the couch and bugger him. IDK. But with AD, I can do no right. I don't know enough about the site or my program. What I do know I didn't learn fast enough. He makes me forget my own name when he's looming over me at the table. so i get stuck on a word - sterility. but in my head is stability. and i can't get past it. and i hear my brain screeching to a halt and i know i'm fucked. no matter what..i'm fucked. so AD blurts out the answer. but hey...he says it wrong too. and then the french dick starts fishing and i'm hedging because i know where he's going and then AD is like...give it to me...and he checks off some shit and gives it back and sure enough, the french dick wants the report.

it's not something we give to externals. it's a fucking corporate policy that we don't give it to externals. but AD caves and now i have to figure out how to show the external this shit. i told the back room i was not, under any circumstance, making the decision. no matter what i would do it would be wrong.

but wait...for only 99 cents more you can have two..count them two...major fucking issues at the same time. the summary report, a pain in my ass that can't get through approval without someone changing something or adding someone or changing who they want to add. i didn't even write the report i'm just passing it through the system. i can't get the author's table to jive with what i pull but she's done it for years so she has to know more than me right? after all...AD has shown time and time again how much i don't know. but her shit has been wrong more times than i can count until AD is pissed. i can't throw her under the bus. they love her. if i throw her under, i'm the idiot who can't do her job and needs someone else. if i don't throw her under, i'm the idiot who can't do her job and needs someone else.

but it gets through and i get through and after 60 hours we all get to go home. but the weight is just sitting on my chest waiting to hear how much i fucked up. i'd rather drive into a fucking tree than have to go to work on monday and find out how badly i fucked up. so i decide...i can't do it anymore.

i can't keep holding this weight in my gut and on my chest waiting for AD to tell me how i've fucked up. how i don't know enough. i just can't. so i decide i won't. i've got a year's rent in the bank if i forgo the surgery. i can probably get a contract job in a month or so. the freelance stuff is bringing in a few hundred a month. hell, i'd move back to La or even thought i could ask Leo if I could move in with him for a bit while do the contract stuff to pan out. i just can't do this anymore.

sat morn i meet EB2 and my brain is drained and my motivation is zilch but i push through it. and i'm almost crying from the want to quit and walk out but i don't. somewhere along the workout i turn it off. because i'm going in on monday to start the search for a new job. it'll be a huge pay cut. i'm talk a 65% pay cut most likely. but i'll do it. because i can't keep doing this.

i want to be happy or content or satisfied or something. i want to feel something that's positive. because there's reason to feel that way. i have a good life. not perfect. i have a daughter that brings tears to my eyes she's so great. and i have lucy and KT and Z. i have family that loves me, probably...even though they aren't real demonstrative with it. SIL's family loves me in their own way. i'm healthier than ever. except for the pain i'm doing ok health wise. so why do i feel like i'm at the bottom?

so today i talked to yak and told him i couldn't do another weekend like this. i couldn't carry that weight waiting on AD to fire me or sink me to a one and then fire me. and he's actually more supportive than i thought he would be. he's like, my job is to help you be successful and i'm not doing that if you feel this way. so he almost gives me hope, but i'm smarter than that. i'm sure he'll talk to AD and then it'll be what i did wrong again.

i did go to a networking event at work and had lots of fun. apparently i'm witty and shit when i have no hope. so this is me purging the negative. tomorrow i will be positive if i have to joker myself into a smile.
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I'm waiting to get fired. I'm so tired of being scared of any potential mistake that my gut is in knots 24/7. If I forget about the surgery I have rent for a year. If I don't need rent I have bills for a year. I don't want to move back to La but it's the only option most likely. Geez...fucking shoot me now.
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